Sayang? Cinta? Love?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Drizzle, Paul Anka, meeting with the powers-that-be, an hour early, hungry, sleepy, brain drain... It's a melancholic beginning for me.

Playing in my mind was the word sayang, or how they say it in English, love, or is it care about?

Hmm I love you in Bahasa is Aku/Saya/I Cinta Kamu

I sayang dia is... I love her? Is it?

I sayang you sounded like an accurate translation that I sayang dia.

If so, how to translate I sayang dia correctly without losing the essence of the word sayang into English?

Sayang is definitely not love
And love is obviously not sayang

So what is sayang then?

My feelings towards you, yes, YOU

Wake Up and Smell Your Own Death

Have you ever fallen madly in love with someone who:

1. Doesn’t even fancy you
2. Is madly in love with someone else
3. Could never in reality become someone who you’d go home to?

If so, serve you damn right you stupid fuck.


[intermission by the much beloved Moz and Marr]

Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one?
And tell me how long
Before the right one?

The story is old - I know
But it goes on
Oh, goes on
And on…

[back to the story line]


It hurts but I can’t help it…
I don’t know whether it’s love or not but I do know that I want you.


[Second intermission by the much beloved Moz and Marr]

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed… Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling, I don't know where else I can go

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me,
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me?

Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs you more than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling, I don't know where else I can go

And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said: "If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good-looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?

I know...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Not for such as you and I, my love

Burn

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"Don't look don't look" the shadows breathe,
Whispering me away from you

"Don't wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling adored
Tousled bird mad girl... "

But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

"Oh don't talk of love" the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you

"Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do... "

Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

"Just paint your face" the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
"Oh it doesn't matter how you hide
Find you if we're wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while you must be tired... "
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream

Sharing is Fucking

Okay… I’m going to share my self-loathing, self-degrading and self-esteem crunching abilities with… err… myself. Here goes…It’s all yours…me. I’m not gonna say a word or defend myself. I need the beatings.

“So you blog and then hope that whoever that you write or wrote to would read it? – Dream on.

So you made the F5 button your favourite key hoping that some new things are going to happen – When the pigs fly.

So you listen to songs that konon-konon paints the picture that you’re currently in? – Sad fuck

So what do you expect? Miracle?

If I was there in person I’ll beat you up to pulp. You are one of the reasons why I’m ashamed of being a human.

Get a grip. Get a fucking grip. Being nice to others in the hope that… I don’t even want to type that word as it disgusts me… is the stupidest thing anyone could ever do.

Dude, I’m so pissed at you until I don’t know what else to say. Swearing at you is like bonking a beauty who cares nothing about how she looks.

I really wish that I could take your life with my bare hands. Not to help you but to make up for God’s mistake in unleashing you in this world.

Whatever shit that you’re hallucinating about is not and will never come to life. How I know? Because I will personally ensure that it wouldn’t.

Fock The World Or You'll Fuck Your Life Up

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I came across a crying soul who was questioning about marriage.

Marriage for me is… two different individuals co-existing together.

It’s so cool and simple that you don’t even have to think twice about.

You like her she likes you.
He/she is a great pal who I can talk/discus/debate with, chill with, have wild/sensuous sex with…
In short someone who I can and don’t mind sharing my sleeping space with.

Done deal.

Fine, fulfil or parents’ wish for a reception and all the shit that comes with it – after putting up to shit you gave them for the past 25 or 32 years, they deserve it.

It has nothing to do with customs/unwritten rules/whatever shits that people have been/going to say/tell/advice you about.

So fuck your aunties/uncles/best friends/best friends’ cousin’s aunties. They were created to create/bring misery to our lives. Wedding for them is = grand reception, pictures in magazines whatever shit. They are using your wedding as an excuse to brag with their friends. Either that or a joint to pick boys/men/granddaddies.

The moment you stop and thought about whether co-existing is an option is also the time you should move on to better things in life.

Circumstances?

What circumstances? This no Dave and Carmen Show or Britney and whatever that dude is. This is your freaking live.

Fuck everyone else because of these two things:

1) It’s your freaking live.
2) It’s you who are living it.

Benci Tapi Rindu

Some songs are perfectly crafted for you and the situation that you're in, well, almost... Damn you my fifth All Saints.

Talk to me baby, I'm listening
Lie down and tell me what's on your mind
What exactly did he do to make you cry this time?
Well, I will be your comforter, I will make it right
He cast a shadow on your heart and I will bring back your light
Come in, I see he's hurt you again, when you are in pain, I'm in pain
That's part of being a friend but this is a special case
I held my feelings back because of him and now I can see it more than ever
I made a big big big, big mistake
I don't mean to disregard your feelings but I think that he's a fool
He don't know how sensitive you are and baby that just ain't cool
I'm just glad, I can be there for you when you need a helping hand
When deep inside my heart from the start I know I should've been your man

Not Well

Friday, August 21, 2009

I know I'm not well when.

I rather stay up and wait, for nothing, when the bed is calling.
I have so may things to say but to no one.
My chest is heavy
Nothing really means anything.
Hopelessness seems like hope.
I could hear my heart beating
I feel like a little boy being denied his requests/rights
I can't speak my heart
Everything seems like going against me.
Keeping my eyes wide open is becoming a burden

I need help, or maybe a hug

Kata-Kata Hikmah

This is some of my favourites:

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live - Martin Luther King

When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money - F McKinney Hubbard

The right to be heard does not include the rights to be taken seriously - Hubert Humprey

Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done - Fred Allen

When we can't dream any longer, we die - Emma Goldman

Hell is not in torture; Hell is in an empty heart - Kahlil Gibran

Looking For It

Six posts in two days? I surely need a doctor, or a life...

whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am home again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am whole again

whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am young again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am fun again

however far away
i will always love you
however long i stay
i will always love you
whatever words i say
i will always love you

Robert James Smith (21 April 1959)

Picture This

A man
A girl
A situation
A hallucination

A man meets a girl.
She got style, pretty, smart with an A for attitude and dedication.
Him, he epitomise average-ness, kinda pleasant, more concerned about his passion than how he present himself, sloppy, thinks that he’s funny, bla…bla…bla…
Man worked with the girl and discovers more of her.
Girl is attached and man is tied down. Life’s good.
Man however listened to too much of Nick Drake and started to develop a wish.
Girl stays focused while Man slowly being swallowed into this fantasyland he’s slowly constructing.
Man tells girl about his fantasy land and girl said to throw it out of the window.
Man obliged
Man thought he’s over it.
Man actually shifted his focus towards the smallest of the smallest things as his fix.
Smiles, movement of the lips, anything and everything.
Man knows it’s only him
Man refuses to accept the fact and kept his hopes afloat.
Girl unknowingly kicked Man when he was already down, not once but a fair share of times
Man a fighter… okay, man a moron.
Man goes on
People up there pity Man and made his wish come true.
Man so happy
Girl tell Man her attachment looked shaky
Man sad and Man constructed another wish.
Man wishes that Girl will be happy.
Man will be destroyed if Girl’s not happy.
We asked Man why so, Man said: “Some people made the choice to love a person who doesn’t love them as much. Me, I made the choice to love that person.”

Dude, that’s freakin corny.

Things To Do When You Are Depressed Aka Things To Do When Reality Steamrolled Over You.

We wish for early death, or any form of ends to end our self-inflicted pain.

“I don’t think I can’t take it anymore… Maybe I should just kill myself.”

“Dude, can you please take my life. I can’t tolerate any of this shit anymore.”

Okay I have wished for death too but after years of unfulfilled wishes, I’ve came to a conclusion that maybe I’m not really a good person to deserve the privilege – good people die young, no?

So I had no choice but to learn to co-exist with my self-inflicted pain. I distract myself with beautiful things, well more like beautiful thoughts or fantasies as you may.

But, like any substance, it doesn’t last. It’s also drains your brain. Coming up with beautiful landscape on regular basis is not small feat.

Okay. I lost it here.

Maybe I should start over.

A Letter to All Saints’ Fifth Member…

Hi…

It’s been a while since I wrote a letter to anyone but since no one has yet to bridge the gap between reality and the fourth dimension, a letter is the best form of communication, I guess, or was it I hope.

Anyway, the main purpose of this letter is for me to get certain things out of my system, not that I want it to go, it’s just that I find it a bit stressing, in the best possible way, to keep it to myself.

The fact that I don’t really have anyone to share or talk to about it was another factor. Normally, people would confide and share things with the one person that they trust, not me, as I have none.

My apology for the blabbering but at this point, yeah, this point when I just type “at this point” I’m not really sure how and where to start, so my apologies for the false starts here.

I’m writing this to you because as you already know, I have a crush on you. Don’t get me wrong as my definition of crush is not “She’s so hot and I SO want to fuck her brains out,” crush for me is where, “I’d spend the night smelling her hair and watch her sleep.” Lame, I know, but fuck you as everyone is entitled for their opinions.

Anyway, I honestly did my best to have this crush of mine crushed – by reminding myself of the reality and non-stop self-degrading and self-esteem crunching remarks. But it’s not easy especially when the crush is like Hannibal Lecter – strongly present but not actually there, for me. Also, like drugs and all the sins in the world that one has experienced, it haunts me. Not like that anything has happened between my crush and I, it’s just that it’s hard for me to function without her around, physically and spiritually.

I thank you God, for giving me this gift of self-deprecating talent, so out the window the crush went.

Damn you John Legend, I don’t need you to give me hope with your “Ordinary People” shit.

I need a cigarette now, till then, I’ll write you another letter when I feel like it, if not, I just want you to know that love works in a very fucked up way and in its purest form, it fucks you hard, fucking hard

[3.50pm Aug 21, 2009]

Things I Like Today

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Some faces give you this feeling of wanting to beat it up into pulp. Some makes you want to…eat ice creams.

Really, it’s so soft, sweet, warm, soothing and would leave this sensational feelings in your head.

Okay, I’m hallucinating.

I also like the colour, “a very light turquoise”. It looks sweeter if it fell on a white-rosy-toned skin, if there’s anything like it.

I also like pure tears.

That and the feelings when you see a rock-solid soul mellowed into something extremely fragile.

You know what I don’t like… all these took place in my fourth dimension.

Written on Thursday, Aug 21, 2009

Kerr-Ushh

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I had my first crush when i was 7. Her name was Ruziana or something like that and she was my neighbour’s cousin. Why I had a crush on her? I can’t vividly recall but it must because she was from KL and I’m from this remote town called Cha’ah. For a kampong boy, it’s cool to brag among your friends that you are “dating” this girl from KL. Juvenile and a total misconception, I know.

My next crush was in 1991 with this girl called Maria. She was with this all-girl group called Krystal who had a hit called Boom Boom Boom.
How bad was it?
Well, quite bad.
I bought a copy of Krystal’s album, cut her picture out, then paste it on another photograph just to give the authentic feel to it, and showed it to all my friends saying that she’s my new girl. Thank God none of my friends had any idea who she was – everyone was so “grunge”, thanks to Nirvana’s Nevermind.

Then there was the late Nuraina Emir. The first time I saw her in URTV, it was my mom’s copy by the way, I was like, dayum, I want a girl like her. The hair, the eyes, the smiles I was SO into her. I even dated a girl who looks like her. That bad. When the news broke that she died in a car accident, I was totally destroyed. Al-Fatihah to her and may she rest in peace, Amin.

Then there was Liv Tyler in Empire Records. The chequered cheerleader skirt, the wool blue sweater, the white cotton panty, the lips, the facial expression, she WAS and IS still IT.

I swear that Liv would be it and for the past 14 year I was loyal to her as fuck. I even denied Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie and Resse Witherspoon attempts in getting into my Crush’s Hall of Fame. Then she came...

I’m so sorry Liv, you’re too far away from my reach and not that she’s within reach, but at least she’s real.

The lowest in the longest time

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

There’s no doubt, I’m a cool motherfucker. I’m one of the country’s greatest music critics, a tastemaker, a walking music dictionary (according to some).

Does it matter?

Nope. It meant jack shit as the real things that I would love to own/be/do is nowhere near my reach. I’m not being ungrateful, never even thought of it, it’s just that I’m the type who have no issues in speaking my mind. I like to believe that I speak the truth all the time, because though I live and breathe the things that I do for a living and the things that matter the most to me as an individual, I have no strings attached to it.

The same reason why some people hates my guts.

Anyway, life as an individual may seems to be rosy to many but the truth is, I’m feeling kinda empty. Like Morrissey once sang, “If you’re so happy, then why you’re on your own tonight?/ If you’re so clever, why you’re on your own tonight?

Honestly speaking Mr Morrissey, I have no clear idea. Maybe it’s because I’m wishing for impossible things and those impossible things I wished for are slowly fading away from sight.

Reality bites and it sure bites hard.

2.57am Aug 16, 2009