A Letter to All Saints’ Fifth Member…

Hi…

It’s been a while since I wrote a letter to anyone but since no one has yet to bridge the gap between reality and the fourth dimension, a letter is the best form of communication, I guess, or was it I hope.

Anyway, the main purpose of this letter is for me to get certain things out of my system, not that I want it to go, it’s just that I find it a bit stressing, in the best possible way, to keep it to myself.

The fact that I don’t really have anyone to share or talk to about it was another factor. Normally, people would confide and share things with the one person that they trust, not me, as I have none.

My apology for the blabbering but at this point, yeah, this point when I just type “at this point” I’m not really sure how and where to start, so my apologies for the false starts here.

I’m writing this to you because as you already know, I have a crush on you. Don’t get me wrong as my definition of crush is not “She’s so hot and I SO want to fuck her brains out,” crush for me is where, “I’d spend the night smelling her hair and watch her sleep.” Lame, I know, but fuck you as everyone is entitled for their opinions.

Anyway, I honestly did my best to have this crush of mine crushed – by reminding myself of the reality and non-stop self-degrading and self-esteem crunching remarks. But it’s not easy especially when the crush is like Hannibal Lecter – strongly present but not actually there, for me. Also, like drugs and all the sins in the world that one has experienced, it haunts me. Not like that anything has happened between my crush and I, it’s just that it’s hard for me to function without her around, physically and spiritually.

I thank you God, for giving me this gift of self-deprecating talent, so out the window the crush went.

Damn you John Legend, I don’t need you to give me hope with your “Ordinary People” shit.

I need a cigarette now, till then, I’ll write you another letter when I feel like it, if not, I just want you to know that love works in a very fucked up way and in its purest form, it fucks you hard, fucking hard

[3.50pm Aug 21, 2009]