It has been seven years since my last post. Seven long years that saw plenty of changes that took place, both good and bad. I was reading all of my earlier posts and it made me realised how naive and hallucinated I was, when it comes to the subject of love especially. The rants on "how we can't be together," "She was never meant to be mine," bla bla bla were self-curated conflict to make me feel how I wanted to feel at that point of time. It was my imaginations and perceptions of how it would feel to be in the situation that I wanted to be at that point of time. Today, I truly understand how does it feel. Today, I feel what is it like to be... I don't know whether heartbroken is the right word to be used in this context or not. Seriously, there are too many things that I want to say now, but I do not know how and what.

Babi Gila

Gila babi...

Life must have been really good for me not to blog about anything for... whatever, I cant even remember when was the last time I posted anything here.

Anyway, I'm back with a passionate mission - to document one of the craziest, exciting, sweetest, tensest and illogical thing to have ever happened in my life.

It is gila babi, indeed

[Sunday, May 30, 12.24am]

Why Do I Have To Make A Comeback?

It has been almost a month since I’ve written anything. Normally the time when I stop writing is when I have no opinions or when I’m not moved or was it because I just don’t have some private time on my own? Whatever.
So, now that I’m back, there must be something at the back of my head, no? Actually are a few things
The first one would be reality. In my fantasy land reality is equivalent of doomsday. And the reality is – she’s not mine, never will be .
The second one would also be reality – no matter how much you care or think or whatever about her, she will still wake up next to another guy, a friend maybe.
The third…reality again. When you are trying your really best to self-mutilate yourself in order to be free, reality came knowing and offered you his services:

REALITY: I tell you what, let me take the suffering away from you.
ME: Err…dude what made you think that it’s a suffering?
REALITY: Okay done. Hope you understand.

And so I thought I’m damn good at self-mutilating.

Distance

I hate distance.

I simply hate being distanced away or feel like I'm being pushed away from things that matter to me.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Maybe I should get hold of myself

Maybe I should stop thinking about how I feel.

How?

Maybe I should dedicate my life to you and ensure that you'll be happily ever after without me

Sayang? Cinta? Love?

Drizzle, Paul Anka, meeting with the powers-that-be, an hour early, hungry, sleepy, brain drain... It's a melancholic beginning for me.

Playing in my mind was the word sayang, or how they say it in English, love, or is it care about?

Hmm I love you in Bahasa is Aku/Saya/I Cinta Kamu

I sayang dia is... I love her? Is it?

I sayang you sounded like an accurate translation that I sayang dia.

If so, how to translate I sayang dia correctly without losing the essence of the word sayang into English?

Sayang is definitely not love
And love is obviously not sayang

So what is sayang then?

My feelings towards you, yes, YOU

Wake Up and Smell Your Own Death

Have you ever fallen madly in love with someone who:

1. Doesn’t even fancy you
2. Is madly in love with someone else
3. Could never in reality become someone who you’d go home to?

If so, serve you damn right you stupid fuck.

[intermission by the much beloved Moz and Marr]

Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one?
And tell me how long
Before the right one?

The story is old - I know
But it goes on
Oh, goes on
And on…

[back to the story line]


It hurts but I can’t help it…
I don’t know whether it’s love or not but I do know that I want you.

[Second intermission by the much beloved Moz and Marr]

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed… Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling, I don't know where else I can go

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me,
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me?

Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs you more than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling, I don't know where else I can go

And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said: "If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good-looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?

I know...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Not for such as you and I, my love

Burn

"Don't look don't look" the shadows breathe,
Whispering me away from you

"Don't wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling adored
Tousled bird mad girl... "

But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

"Oh don't talk of love" the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you

"Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do... "

Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

"Just paint your face" the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
"Oh it doesn't matter how you hide
Find you if we're wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while you must be tired... "
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream